Today I am Dissing Cultural Backwardness

At least what I perceive to be backwards.



I don't know. I talked with buddy Umm Zaid a few hours ago while I was sitting in the car watching my husband argue with the bicycle repair guy. My son's bicycle which was purchased two years ago looks like something from 1975--old and rusty. We paid nearly $100 for it and it is a piece of junk. Bicycle repair guy replaced the tires and a gear shift thingy that looks like it will fall off if it is blown on. Anyway, I was asking Umm Zaid what is UP with the attitudes of people here lately--everywhere I turn people are grumpy, argumentative, and downright rude. Umm Zaid chalked it up to the heat (hot!) and the inflation that has hit this city like a ka-zillion ton meteor. Perhaps she is right. I, however, have had a bone to pick concerning a certain cultural "practice" for the last several days and I figure now is as good of a time as any to do so. If everyone else is going to be a grumpmeister, I might as well join the parade.



It seems that divorce is the hip practice these days in Jordan. Young people are getting married, spawning kids, and divorcing at a rate faster than one can say "I'll have hot sauce on that falafel." In a country where the percentage of unmarried women over the age of 30 is growing by the year, what we are witnessing on a daily basis is a bona fide social breakdown. These are just some of my observations, not backed by cold hard stats, but I'm sure they are out there somewhere.

• Young women are more educated today than they ever have been in Jordan's history. I have spoken, in the past two weeks, with female Jordanian educators--teachers--who would give administrators in the United States a run for their money regarding higher degrees sought, breadth of study, and the general ability to cope with a less-than-desirable public school sector.


• These young women pursuing higher degrees after receiving their Bachelor's degrees are waiting later to get married.


• It is still the mindset of many people here that girls older than 25 are already past their prime, and despite their achievements, family backgrounds, and yes, physical attraction factor, they are largely overlooked when it comes to being sought as brides.


• Men here do not want to marry women who are more educated than they.

What does that leave us with? A ton of smart, with-it, and single degree-holding women who come home to Mama every night and help her roll grape leaves. Now, if that is the choice of these ladies, more power to them. But girls here are also raised with that fairy princess concept of being the bride, the aroosah, and of that big, big wedding day (and night).

I have mentioned before that when I got married, my husband and I barely had $100 between us, no furniture to speak of, and we both worked in greasy spoon-type restaurants to make ends meet. We worked together, struggled together, and built a life together. This kind of sacrifice does not fly here in Jordan, in most families, because brides typically get married expecting to have a completely furnished home, nice wedding, new clothes, etc., and who may equate being married to the actual wedding day extravaganza. We married ladies all know that the number of times we have scrubbed a toilet bowl have most likely outnumbered the times we've been swept off of our feet in a mad panic of love and romance rivaling the lovers du jour (you know, the ones whose pictures are plastered on bubble gum cards and pencils and lunchboxes here in the Middle East and who have become the poster couple to admire and imitate). And then the kids start coming, which means PAIN, bodily functions that stink, sleepless nights, and the occasional stretchmark, all while trying to run a house and keep up with the needs of the husband. Marriage is tough. Really tough.

So let's recap for a moment. We've got lots of really great unmarried ladies here in Jordan who are willing to forgo the gigantic wedding and super deluxe apartments, but no bachelors are knocking on their doors. We have lots of younger ladies here in Jordan on whose doors bachelors did knock, who have rushed into marriage thinking they could have their cake and eat it too, bringing little kids into the world, then saying, "You are not what I want, no, not at all," heading down to the courthouse, and being granted a divorce from the judge. Ten years ago this was difficult. Today it is almost like Reno. I'm not saying that divorce here is never merited, because we all know that it is.

My third scenario is this: Here we have unmarried over the hill, over-educated ladies. We might as well just scratch them off of our list. I mean, she's over 30--her chances of bearing an army of sons are getting slimmer by the day. Next we have the gals who rush into marriage so they can look like Noor on TV and can pay 300 JD to have their hair and make-up designed at Marwan Khair Salons. They get pregnant on their wedding night and nine months later they wonder what they've signed up for. Let's just pray for them, and hope they make it. Life ain't a full buffet-type celebration at Jabri, is it honey?

But what about the ones who don't? What about the ones who go ahead and seek that divorce, for whatever reasons valid to them. Maybe they have one child, maybe two. They move back home to live with Mama and Baba. Perhaps they are blessed in having an ex-spouse who wants to maintain civil relations regarding custody, child support, etc. However, from my experience in Jordan, I have witnessed NOT ONE civil divorce regarding any of parties involved, nor a court order that has been followed. Emotions run too strongly, often clouding judgment, usually hurting children in the process. Remember, these are the gals who did not finish high school because they valued Prince Charming over Physics. Where are these girls? They are stuck in a society that disapproves of them, that marginalizes more than accepts. What kind of jobs can these women seek, knowing full well that university graduates are living at or below the poverty level? Many are resigned to living at home with their parents, forever.

Hold on! One more scenario, and this is the biggy!

These divorced women get a little older, a little more mature in their thinking. They are raising their kids but cannot stop thinking that there must be more to life. They have learned from their mistakes in marriage #1. They are ready to be more realistic, to seek solace in a family, a place of belonging. They are mothers but they want to be wives, because this is the nature of mankind, this is the companion-seeking that is innate. This is a desire, and this is a right to be fulfilled. This is ordained by Allah.

Horrors! What man wants a woman who already has kids? And what woman's family will allow her to marry, to let the children have a step-father? In this society, one might as well equate a step-father with an ax murderer. To let a stranger in the house with the children. To let someone other than the father of that child, even if biological father is not in that child's life in any capacity, help raise that child, is not an accepted reality here. Say the man who is seeking a wife is absolutely OK with the woman having been married before. He is cool with the fact she has a child (or two). What is wrong with these two being married? Does Islam prohibit this? Absolutely not. Absolutely not!

I have a sister-in-law. She is not old. She is smart and sweet and committed to her child and her family and to her faith. She is divorced. I mentioned to another family member the other day that "she" might want to try to re-marry someday. You'd think I'd have suggested she shave her head and get the likeness of George Bush tattooed across her chest. "But her child would have to live with the grandparents, because it would not be right to let a strange man into the house with the child," was the reaction I got. "He wouldn't be a strange man, he'd be the kid's mother's husband," was my reply. I got looks--bad, bad looks. I had said the wrong American open-minded thing. I gave up and quieted myself.

But it's been eating me up on the inside, ever since. Can you tell?