On Ownership

I told my sister yesterday that I am in one of those funks where I feel as if my life is not my own.

"Well, it isn't," she replied, frankly. I knew from her tone that she knew exactly what I meant, and I also knew that she was right.

There may be some religious chat coming up, so if you shy away from that, go do a crossword puzzle or something.

My life is not my own: the premise. Let's dissect.

1. As a rational human being who also believes in God, I know my life is not mine in the religious sense, because I know that one day this bodily form of mine will die, and my soul will reside neither in, nor on, nor around this earth. I am a visitor in this world and I belong to my Creator. He can take me when and how He sees fit. What I choose to do with this temporary life is the test, so in that regard, I need to try to be at the top of my game. I will (and do) surely falter. Often.

2. As a rational human being who also happens to be a wife and mother, my life is not my own when we speak in terms of time. I give most of my time not to myself but rather to others who need me. I am in a perpetual state of caregiving. I choose to participate in the raising of my kids and their well-being; I've known plenty of folks who, let's say, are completely 'hands off' when it comes to being a parent. However, this perpetual state has, on occasion, worn me down to the point where I ask myself, "Who am I, anyway?" This, I believe, is a danger sign, and is one of many. (others might be: mental breakdown, rage, repeated crying spells, snappiness, withdrawal from social events--I'm only speculating here, ladies)

3. As a rational human being who also thinks she is somewhat bright and has something to offer the world, these danger signs are 'wake-up' calls to let her know that she needs to reevaluate her life and try to assume some semblance of ownership. Six-day work weeks and absolutely no time for relaxation or self-indulgence, or just 'down time' where she does not feel inclined to be the best mother or wife or housekeeper, or the ability to tell herself that it is ok to be at the bottom of her game--these are the moments she must allow herself to have in order to regain the slightest bit of autonomy.

I have more on this but have decided to take a time-out for thirty minutes, until they all start pouring in the door, hungry.

Now, several hours later, I have returned to the helm.

4. As a rational human being, believer in God, mother and wife, and semi-with-it-smart person, I acknowledge that I strive to maintain a deep and growing respect for my spouse. I do, however, believe that women, not men, are the glue holding most families together. As an esteemed teacher, Umm al-Khayr, once said, "Men need a steady supply of admiration and attention." I admire my husband on various levels, but most of all I admire his commitment to us, and in keeping his commitment, he must go out and face the ugly challenges of working. He is stressed, most of his days. He needs me to give him more than he is able to give me.
Sometimes I resent this. There are those oddball sort of men who say things like, "Hey honey, let me take all four of our kids and your best friend's five kids off of your hands for a few hours, so you and your best friend can go and relax--you know, get a cup of coffee, and unwind." (This really happened the other day at Little League; the brother who said this is not a phantom husband, he's real.) And when those situations crop up, I sometimes feel resentful.

5. Back to the glue part! I digress(ed).
As a rational human being, believer in God, mother and wife, semi-smart person, and gatekeeper of spousal respect, I do not feel inclined to play the martyr. I do not want anyone, especially my children, to feel sorry for me or bend over backwards to point out how much I do, so I can say something smarmy like, "Oh, it's nothing." It is something; all that I do for everyone around me IS something, whether tangible (like a hot meal) or intangible (like listening to my pre-teen talk about her day). I do, however, need to emphasize from time to time that we women are the glue. THE GLUE. We are not typically the ones running off to start new relationships after divorce or death of a spouse. We seem needy because society has historically labeled us thus. But we women should know that our strengths far outweigh any neediness.

6. As a rational human being, believer in God, smart and respectful and glue-ish wife and mom, non-martyr, I must find those spaces to fit in that only belong to me. I must be stingy with my self-worth. I will not hop up on the auction block so that others may bid on my strengths. I must find my voice at the appropriate time and use it at the appropriate time. I must give of myself healthfully, not disparagingly, so that at the end of the day or year or decade, I do not see a shell. I must grow. And if the affirmation I seek does not come from others, I must find the means to affirm from within.