How does one make a drug addict get a life? Does anyone out there have experience with this?
The answer is, I believe, to stop trying. Let them fall flat on their faces, and I mean completely flat. Could someone back me up here?
Is anyone else out there a magnet for the drug-dependent, super manipulative, pathological liar-types? Is it a sign we wear? Is it a smell we give off? An aura we emit?
Do the professed to be recovering ever truly find recovery?
I certainly hope so.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
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7 comments:
Salaam Alaikum,
I don't know. I guess there is a fine line between enabling and helping.
My feeling is that it has little to do with the people around them, they have to want to stop.
May Allah subhana wa t'ala save us from this fate.
Asalaamu alaikum.
In my experience, you are right: painful as it may be to us to watch, the only way is to let them hit rock bottom without our assistance.
Yes, we seem to have a sign on us. It's called "you're a compassionate person". It's not necessarily a bad thing, but we have to know when to rein it in. Sometimes too it's because they recognize us, like a radar that says "this person is afraid of being like you" or "this person has been in your shoes before" or at least "this person knows what you're going through".
And yes, people in recovery CAN recover, but it takes a long time and alot of work and is a never-ending process. One of the reasons that some people struggle back and forth is because they don't get to the root of their addiction and the character flaws that need to be corrected. Once the addiction isn't there as an excuse for their bad behavior, they need to realize that they are responsible to fix the bad behavior too, not just stop using. Alot of people are content to not change anything more than not using.
But yes, it can happen. I did it and I know others who have.
Yes, I am an addict magnet too. :)
The best way to help is let them fall on their faces and experience the full consequences of their actions. Lovingly tell truth to counteract the lies they tell themselves, while maintaining strong boundaries.
They will not change until they make the choice to do so, and any comfort we offer actually keeps them from recovery. This is very hard in Jordanian society, as others will want to cover for them to keep the family honor intact.
I'll pray. :(
Salaam,
I can't say much more than what has already been said. In my experience, tough love really is the best way, but also letting the person know you are there - within limits - helps. To be honest, the only real recovery I've seen is my cousin, who was a crack addict for 13 years. She lost her children and spent over a year in a detention center at a Georgia state prison. The atmosphere of the center and the reality of possibly losing her kids, as well as having them to look forward to when she got out, was what kicked her into really wanting to recover and working at it and using her time there positively. But she'd been in and out of rehab for years before that and had basically used up her family and friends. So it's really difficult. The most important thing, in my opinion, is to DISTANCE YOURSELF and worry about you. Ultimately even if you CAN help, you won't be doing anyone any good if you let yourself be burned out over the situation. So fill yourself up first.
I'm thinking of you and making du'a. If you ever need someone to talk with about this, I am here.
Thanks, everyone. Aaminah, your honesty is appreciated. I do know that people can truly find sobriety, but unfortunately the ones in my life seem to adapt a "false sobriety" with absolutely no behavioral changes. Without this real self-work, they slip back into using/abusing very quickly.
I think sixteen years of roller-coaster abuse, trickery, conning, lying, etc., is enough. I've watched people be sucked into the vortex of pity and dragged through this emotional and painful trip, I've watched them be sympathetic, helpful, conned, stolen from, lied to, etc. I seem to have been the number one "rescuer" in it all, but you know, I am very tired.
I said a while back I'd be an enabler NO MORE, but there are extenuating circumstances that seem to keep dragging me back in. Isn't that the case with all enablers?
Thank you all for "getting" where I'm coming from. It's a tough place to be in.
I can't add anyone more to what has been said. I agree with the tough love but must admit my extended family has yet to take it that far with a member who's had this problem for over 30 years.
*sighs*
at the very least you would think she would act mello and not worry her very old parents, and give them some peace of mind before they leave this earth.
your struggle is not your own.. but it pulls away at your iman if you keep doing the same stuff over and over again..
Salaam 'Alaikum
Umm F:
Enable yourself. You have to let go. There will always be extenuating circumstances with addicts, ALWAYS.
Aaminah says, "The only way is to let them hit rock bottom without our assistance," which reminds me of the popular recovery saying, "Let go, and let God."
They do have assistance, an assistance much greater than any of us combined can offer, and that is the assistance of God. Reject or accept it, it's there. I am sorry to say that there are people whose rock bottom is the bottom of the grave their bodies will rest in. There are people who will always be "ready to give it up" after just one more hit or drink or whatever. Even people who go sober and adjust their behavior will always be in recovery in a sense.
You can't make an addict get a life. They have to want it more than they want the drug. You cannot do anything for this person. They have to do it themselves.
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